sliding down into this hole of mine. [Copper]

[appios ']

[atrb=width,450,true][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,false][bg=000000] ~~~ walks. talks.

[/i]
thinks.

The questions seemed to be getting worse. They increased in intensity, and Appios could barely hold them in. The naive side of him wanted to ask them to any wolf he met, but he knew that somewhere deep inside him disagreed. Why was that, again? He knew that somewhere he should quit questioning his sanity before it got any worse, but he needed to know. They were perfectly good questions, weren't they? Didn't all wolves have those questions? And yet, now they weren't just average, every-day, 'why am I here' questions. No, they were, instead, specifically for him. Like 'why would you be here? You're worth nothing-- nothing at all. Your parents didn't like you, because they didn't show it. They didn't show it because they didn't want to.' He used to be able to battle these questions that they were stupid, and couldn't be used. That love wasn't needed in a family-- that it was simply a more simple version of a pack. Why else would he hear his parents never once display their love? They agreed frequently, yes, but they reminded him of pack members with other pack members. Not really in love.

This, however, wasn't the cause of such questions. The questions aroused from different causes such as that he was such a jerk, that he didn't have friends. The ones he did have were buried amidst how he treated them like...like dirt. Maybe this was guilt? What were all these questions, though? They drove his self-confidence into the ground, and buried it like a dead thing.

And his sanity. The questions had nit-picked him until he now worried about if he really was nothing. The near-pride self-confidence he had felt before was now morphed into a hideous beast of not knowing. I'm starting to get the realization that these aren't simple questions...but what would they be, then? Simple loneliness for who knows how many years? And now they're steadily building up-- to what, though? That was the question, really. Not if he was loved. But if this would lead to him slowly losing his sanity. Not enough to be kicked out or useless, but enough that he would seem to be slowly sliding down in this hole of his.

Shifting on his seat, Appios' black eyes scanned the frozen-white landscape. In a way, it was pretty. The river was, if someone were to fall in, would most likely die if not given heat, but still pretty. Beautiful...enchanting.

Before the male knew it, he was staring at his reflection-- right near the edge of it. Dipping one paw in it, Appios stepped in until it was up to around three inches deep. He wasn't empty enough to kill himself, oh no, but instead, he merely looked closely at his reflection. His emptiness-- the complete and utter willingness and submitted attitude of his. He could and would do anything, and for what? He had no one to come home to-- no family, no friends. And all of this was his own fault. It was why he made this work, this soldier life, his very own. His only life.

Flicking his ears forward, he watched the wolf in the reflection do the same. This couldn't be him...couldn't it? It looked like a cold, calculating, and very obedient soldier. Was that all he was? Did he even know what loving was? Did he even want to know? It meant opening the heart to something he had no control of...

Was that the problem?

Control?

"Am I such a jerk that I need to control other wolves under me? Maybe that's why possible friends slowly drifted away...but it couldn't be my fault, right? Of course not...

[/i]" The wolf in the water copied his own mouth movements, but instead of displaying emotion, it was a stony facade. Not displaying the torrents of emotions wrestling and battling in his mind. He had been working on being able to do that for quite some time. And he had finally accomplished it a year ago-- he had been so proud. But now he was disgusted. He couldn't display real emotion even if he wanted to now.

Slamming a paw down at the reflection, Appios hurried out of the water; shaking his fur to get all the little water droplets off. He was cold, yes, but the anger-- no, hatred-- towards himself made it so that he couldn't know it. The male was trapped in the stony fortress around his heart.

And no one would be let in.

[/justify]
~~~

Header Manip and table by ``Persephone;
Wolf photograph taken by Woxys @ Deviantart.com

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[[Copperyn]]

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[atrb=background,http://i55.tinypic.com/34xiyhs.png] Steam escaped Zatenya's jaws in puffs as the alphess ran, lungs burning in the cold air. Her tongue slipped from between her parted jaws, a rare look of pure joy on her face. Her eyes were sharp - she was chasing a pure white hare. The creature zigzagged and darted between the trunks of massive pines, it's winter pelt nearly indistinguishable from the snow-covered terrain beneath it. Zatenya's spine curved and extended with each stride, giving her each and every extra centimeter she could muster as she closed in on the small beast. An explosion of snow engulfed the pair, and for a moment, all was silent. Then a small, high-pitched cry rang out around the forest, and the cloud of poweder around the wolf began to settle. The hare hung from her jaws, hind legs kicking out with all the strength they had, at first. A moment later they were only twitching, as the leftover signals on its severed spinal cord dissipated. Then it was still. Zay held limp creature, her tail high, and looked around her. The chill of the winter air had made her thirsty as well, thirsty for something besides blood. The slip of river that ran through this area would serve well, and lay nearby - she trotted lightly along over the snow now, ears flicking about as she went. A scent drifted to her nares as she drew near to the water. It was a wolf, and a familiar one at that. She made out the form of Appios, one of her two Wolverines, standing ankle-deep in the water. He appeared to not have noticed her yet - he wasn't drinking, just standing, staring into the water with a strange intensity. Perhaps he was fishing? The she-wolf drew closer, tail raised and head cocked slightly to the side as she neared the water's edge. She cleared her throat gently, in a rare display of politeness, wondering if he'd already noticed her presence and simply failed to acknowledge it, or if he was really so deeply involved in whatever he was doing that he hadn't noticed her arrival on the frozen shore. The rabbit still hung from her maw, and she took a moment to deposit it carefully at her feet, where she stood by the water's edge. Tiny ruby stains marred it's perfect pelt, although really, there was a minimum of blood. The kill had been clean and crushing, no tearing needed.

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[appios ']

[atrb=width,450,true][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,false][bg=000000] ~~~ The wolf now stared at his paws and the ground beneath him, instead of the water. Though he couldn't see his face anymore, he could envision it, and it left him very slowly, and tearing bits of pieces of his shredded heart with it. It was then that he heard a noise-- one of a wolf clearing his or her throat. Either he/she had something in it...or was letting him know he was here, in which case he should have known it already. Sliding his eyes up slowly, it revealed the perfect picture of an empty wolf. One that wanted friendship...but had no idea how to get it, or what it would look like. It was a dangerous time-- one that typically was there during childhood, and had the family to lead him in the right way. But his family skipped that part, because they weren't really a family. In that case, Appios had skipped a lesson on how to see true friendship, love, or anything among those lines, and was very vulnerable to anything. Realization pricked in the corner of his mind, demanding he acknowledge the Alpha female. It was respect and courtesy, after all. "Ma'am! Zatenya!

[/i]" The male lowered his head a bit, his ears pricking forward in the waiting for orders. After all, wasn't this why the Alphess was here? She wouldn't want to visit a lowly soldier like himself, would she? No, of course not, and the rabbit at her feet confirmed it. Why else would she be here, if not to hunt? This was an utter accident, and he was horrified that he was even thinking of taking such a break. He had things to do, duties to do. And here he was, daydreaming about stupid friends that he would never have.

A fake smile hinted at the edge of his lips, and then died. He had no real emotion to give-- only utter willingness to do whatever. In reality, he was the perfect soldier; one to do whatever a leader wanted. One that wouldn't argue with the place given him, and would merely head into battle no matter if it was suicide or not. It was this that he had been prideful of before the questions. Now he wasn't so sure. Maybe he should have at least a bit of emotion before being proud of such...mindless thoughts. For that was all he was: mindless. Not wanting or knowing how to think things through his own way.

Appios finally raised his head after what seemed like hours, but most likely only moments. He had thought all of that in the past few moments? Maybe time really was having its dally way with him. Shifting, the male's tail twitched once before becoming silent, and his seemingly empty black eyes flickered up to her own once more. Even though he was bigger then her, he didn't dare challenge her. Or do anything. He couldn't, anyway. It would mean exile from the only pack he knew of, for he was one-hundred percent sure that she would win...and most certainly survive. What else would he have then? Nothing but a bag of skin and bones. Ready to obey, but not having a commander.

That seemed to be the most horrible thing alive to go through, besides what he was thinking of. His sanity was questioned by what he was thinking; that would only tax his physical strength, and he was sure that, eventually, someone would take him in. And if not, then he would-- no. He wasn't exiled, and he wouldn't be anytime soon because he never challenged anybody. He wasn't a wuss, oh no. He simply was a wolf-like machine. He had once been nearly a sociopath in not displaying emotions; indeed, he thought he had none (and maybe he was still correct), but now he wanted to. Very much so.

[/justify]
~~~

Header Manip and table by ``Persephone;
Wolf photograph taken by Woxys @ Deviantart.com

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[[Copperyn]]

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[atrb=background,http://i55.tinypic.com/34xiyhs.png] Zatenya studied her soldier as he stood before her. For a moment, a short, fleeting moment, he looked utterly conflicted, and then his expression returned to the aloof air she knew. That fleeting moment troubled her – she’d trained herself to recognize those microscopic ticks, those involuntary moments where a wolf’s true emotions leaked through. Nearly everyone wore a mask some of the time, and as a lone leader, with no mate, (especially one who had had to fight an uphill battle to gain that rank), it had been a necessary skill to master. Normally, it was disloyalty wolves hid from her. Appios had never seemed disloyal, and that wasn’t what she’d seen now. Was it… sadness? She knew little of the male’s personal life, just that he was a Wolverine, and he normally seemed to be a creature ruled by logic rather than emotion. She realized now that she didn’t really know anything about him. She was an efficient leader – she ran a society, and a society or warriors at that. Raekerin had never been as soft-hearted as Fjordsong, and she never intended it to become that way. But she was not Pynthi, either. She wanted her pack to look at her with respect, not fear. Morale was a vital ingredient in any contingency, and she realized now that it might be lacking in her pack. They were small – where once Raekerin had relied on the connections between its wolves, and the storytellers and their legends, to tightly bind them together, perhaps what they needed now was a leader to make those ties ring true for them. At least one wolf might need it, and… what could it hurt? Zatenya gave her warrior a small nod in recognition of his submission. It was a way of saying ‘at ease’. ”I’ve had my share of luck today in the hunt. What were you doing when I found you?” She tried her best to take the edge off her voice – she was so accustomed to official tasks of late that the harsh, authoritarian tone was hard to shake. Small talk was not her forte, either – she’d never really tried to employ it before – and she came to the strange realization that she was entirely out of practice when it came to this sort of conversation.

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[appios ']

[atrb=width,450,true][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,false][bg=000000] ~~~ I’ve had my share of luck today in the hunt. What were you doing when I found you? The male, at her allowing him to become at ease, shifted his eyes back and forth along the ground. He didn't yet meet her own eyes, for fear that he would find something he didn't want to see. Disapproval, or, even worse, Did she know of what he thought? It would be impossible, wouldn't it? To know one's thoughts would make one impossible to beat, for they would be able to move before anyone would miss them. Know who was going where before anyone else. They would be...omnipotent. In a way, he thought of the Alphess like that. Sadly, the male didn't realize that this was supposed to a relaxed conversation, and he responded with a near-monotone type of voice. "I was looking for something." It was the truth. Appios wanted to find his sanity, since most of it had bolted. He was looking for emotions, for all of it had hardened into something rock-like. The only emotions he felt were confusion, helplessness, and submissive feelings. In this fortress of his, he knew that he was safe from the weakness of emotions, but that was the thing. Were weakness' emotions? Or was that a marking of a true wolf? Simply put, the male didn't want to merely use emotions willy nilly. He wanted to really feel them. Really experience them. Finally, the male lifted his eyes to the Alphess, and waited for what she was going to say. "Looking for something" wasn't really the best explanation when being gone for quite some hours. True, he didn't have a mission assigned to him, but there was always something they could do. Do a little border patrol thing-- hunt. Do something, and don't just stare at yourself in the puddle. Wincing slightly at the accusation, his coal-black eyes flicked right back down to his front paws. He wasn't fearful, simply empty. He wanted something (needed something), but couldn't figure out what. Emotions? Love? Something was needed in him that was missing. If he could feel emotions, then would he feel love? And if he could feel love, then could he feel his heart opening up, or was it a sudden thing? Or, even more, was it a slow thing where he could hear the joints grinding and complaining that they were being used? The simple matter was, was that would any wolf want to get anywhere near him? Had they known? Nobody knew about what he was expierancing right now, but did they know how many other wolves he had killed? Was that what was giving him pause and emptiness? The souls wailing, even though he thought he had killed for a good reason? ~~~ Header Manip and table by ``Persephone; Wolf photograph taken by Woxys @ Deviantart.com

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[[Copperyn]]

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[atrb=background,http://i55.tinypic.com/34xiyhs.png] "Looking for something". Well, that was a descriptive statement. Zatenya forced herself to shrug it off. Appios was hardly trying to hide treason from her - whatever he was doing out here, it seemed to be a personal matter, and if he didn't feeling like sharing it with her, that was well within his rights. She stretched, jaws falling open to reveal sharp, gleaming teeth and a curling pink tongue. Then she returned her gaze to him. She couldn't pinpoint what it was, but something about the male was off. His posture was hunched, defeated. While personal matters may have been personal, she hoped they wouldn't begin to affect the combatant's performance. Zay needed to be able to rely on any and all of her wolves to fight for their homeland, should something happen. Valkyr had done little of late to worry here, but they were an unpredictable lot, and Raekerin's numbers were the smallest of the three packs. Fjordsong was simply bursting with wolves - she knew they weren't as strong as Raekerin, but it was surprising what a bunch of wolves could accomplish with sheer numbers, even while lacking intellect and aptitude. "Appios, look at me for a moment, would you?" She spoke gently, more gently than she was accustomed to, trying to make the words sound like a request, not an order. "I like to think I can count on you. But you need to know you can count on me, too. Tell me what's troubling you." She'd never really been an emotional confidante before, and the experience was strange. She felt exposed, removing herself from the normal tones of power and authority and trying to be a friend to this wolf.

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[appios ']

[atrb=width,450,true][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,false][bg=000000] ~~~ Appios, look at me for a moment, would you? The male instinctively looked up toward her. Even if it wasn't phrased or told as an order, he was very used to obeying, and this was clearly one he should...but when his black eyes met his leader's own, the male shifted. Good grief, he was acting like he was planning a mutiny! He wasn't-- of course not! He would never leave this pack, nor would he try to take it over. However, this lack of emotions thing was getting to him. He was only looking at the puddle. That was it. Wasn't it? Or was he searching for his own self? Something to bring at least a bit of worth to his life besides work. Did he need a friend? Her words were friendly, weren't they? But since when was the Alphess literally on friend terms with her ranks? "Yes, Zatenya?

[/i]" The male tried to push back the monotone/empty voice, and put in some emotion. But no matter how hard he tried, it was all the same.

I like to think I can count on you. But you need to know you can count on me, too. Tell me what's troubling you.

She counted on him? Surprise flickered across his face, and his ear flicked to a more upright position. Something about that seeming-praise made him feel...more confident. Less hopeless. Was that what he needed? Was he that pathetic? Immediately after those thoughts, the confidence left him, and he was left holding up his weight by himself. "Well, ma'am...I...[/i]" He shifted uneasily, trying to find the right words. "This is going to sound stupid, but...[/i]" He shook his big head, shooing away that line of thinking. Might as well tell her straight out. "Have you ever felt positive emotions? Or any type?[/i]" It sounded weird as soon as he let it out, and he berated himself for saying such a very weird thing. This will get him put in the "oddities" for a while. Who would feel depressed by such a simple thing such as that? It was so stupid! So very stupid.

[/justify]
~~~

Header Manip and table by ``Persephone;
Wolf photograph taken by Woxys @ Deviantart.com

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[[Copperyn]]

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[atrb=background,http://i55.tinypic.com/34xiyhs.png] Zatenya raised an eyebrow. It was a bizarre question, to be sure, but it had a ring of honesty to it, and she took a breath, thinking before she answered. Part of her was glad that she'd at long last managed to get something out of Appios. She wasn't at all confident of her capabilities as an emotional counselor, but perhaps she was doing something right - she'd managed not to drive him off or anger him, so perhaps she was giving herself too little credit in the field. "Determination, and ambition, even as alphess. I feel dedication to the strength of this pack, and the wolves in it," She paused, thinking, "and scorn for those who won't work to better themselves or their situation. I hate those who would try and seize freedom from others, and I am disgusted by those that would do nothing to defend their own freedom." She stopped speaking, realizing it was probably the most she'd even told anyone about herself. "But, you can't just open the story of my life and jump in right in the middle. I've told you enough," She was calm and collected, voice easy, not irritated. "I think it's time you told me something. Have you never felt emotion, Appios?" It was unthinkable to her. She was a wolf of passion - she could keep a cool head, yes, but her actions were guided by an inner moral compass that was determined by her and her alone, not what was considered 'right' or 'wrong' by others. Every wolf she'd known had felt emotion - maybe not positive, but hate and sadness were as valid as love or joy. The white wolf before her seemed sad, so why had he asked? Perhaps he couldn't recognize it in himself.

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